“When the student is ready the teacher will appear” Zen Proverb.

Driving to the stables for my first session with ‘Boots’ my head was in turmoil. After hearing the complex story of her past and now learning that she was stabled 24/7, with only short periods of turnout each day, I was feeling daunted. How could I make a difference? How could I build that special relationship I dreamed of and help ‘Boots’ overcome some of the problems she was experiencing, when my hands seemed tied in so many ways?

Due to the waterlogged paddocks, her basic behavioural needs were clearly not being met. My work and family commitments meant I could only see her a few times a week. Plus I was reliant on the generosity of her owner to keep and care for her and so I was unable to change the way she was handled, or managed, on a daily basis. Yet I felt drawn to face the challenge, to do something different, to move away from the methods and techniques that I was familiar with.

I wanted to strip away the usual ‘tools’ of horse training, to move away from coercive techniques and start afresh. To follow my heart and work at liberty, exploring the impact of emotional states and attachment on our horse-human relationships. As such I felt I needed to grab this unique opportunity. To do my best to find the root cause of her ‘loading problem’, to see what I could achieve, and learn from the situation…

For now though, I needed to let all this go, to clear my mind and tune in to my senses, so that I could be in the best place to listen… ‘TLC’ – Trust, Listen & Connect: The Understanding Equus relationship model pops into my head as I stride towards the barn. I stop, pausing to take a few deep, cleansing breaths.

“Attitude is a little thing that makes a BIG difference.” – Winston Churchill

At the barn entrance I observe for a moment, all the horses are calmly munching their haynets. ‘Boots’ puts her head over the stable door as I quietly approach. Reaching out my hand to offer my scent, ‘hello beautiful’ I say. Ears pricked she inhales. Then, raising her head she thrusts her nose towards my face and pins her ears back. I quietly step back out of her space and she returns to her hay, keeping an eye on my movements.

Ok I thought, that was interesting and unexpected. I remember her owner’s words: “I don’t understand why she won’t load… she’s fine with everything else…” My intention was to say hello and perhaps lead her out. To take her to some fresh grass enabling her to stretch her legs, and get to know her a little more…

My curiosity piqued, I pick up her halter and open the stable door. She instantly turns away stopping with her head in the far corner. I notice she is positioned guarding her left side, unmoving and braced. I wait to see what she does, and then, gently raise my arm asking her to take a step. Hesitant at first she moves forward, keeping me in her right eye. I ask again and we manoeuvre gently around the stable, until I am able to stand near her left shoulder. Dropping the halter as a silent thank you, for allowing me into this position, the mistrust and concern is palpable. My instinct is telling me my initial plan needs to be changed…

I stand for a moment, empathising and allowing her to relax, telling her I’m not going to do anything she doesn’t feel comfortable with. Quietly I step forward reaching out to stroke her neck. Instantly her head spins round, ears pinned back, nose thrusting towards my arm, nostrils’ wrinkled and eyes hard. I freeze, arm still extended, her head swings away, mouth tight and eyes wide with tension. Every part of her being is defensive, protecting herself, and I need to hear and accept what she is saying.

Slowly I bring my hand down enabling her to see her message has been heard. Standing quietly next to her I send out thoughts of love, kindness and gratitude and her head starts to droop. Again I reach towards her, this time with no intention to touch, just to stroke the air by her side. As her head jerks up and her ears go back I wait patiently for the reaction to pass, lowering my hand as she relaxes.

We then spend the next few moments doing this on both sides of her. Each time, I move away when she is relaxed, not pushing her to accept my touch. Slowly she starts to lick and chew, softening her mouth and eyes. Accepting her wishes, listening to, and connecting with her emotional state, I can see the trust start to grow.

After a short while she remains calm and relaxed as I approach each side. She then breaks into a series of yawns and I feel hugely privileged as she accepts a brief touch on her nose, ears forward and relaxed. I crouch down and watch her as she starts to doze, then she offer’s her ear for a gentle scratch…

“Acceptance of emotions and state builds trust” Dan Hughes.

There is very little research into the concept of attachment and horses. Yet for me it makes total sense as a key factor and influence in the horse/human relationship, and our horse’s ability to learn, grow, and develop. Dr Andrew McLean has written on this topic focusing on the role of attachment and learning theories, and the influence of touch for building bonds and attachments.

As a parent and within my work with vulnerable young people, I have been exploring different areas of attachment, the science behind it, and ways we can apply this to our relationships. It is well researched into how secure attachments help to reduce stress, build resilience, increase trust, bonding, rapport and learning for humans. And so, with the same emotional systems and mammalian brain, why not horses?

With this in mind, I believe we need to focus on our emotions, state, and attitude whenever we are with our horses. Dan Hughes’ describes the 5 key attitudes for building secure attachments in his PLACE model: Playfulness, Love, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy.

On my journey with ‘Boots’ I will explore this approach further, sharing the impact on our relationship as I endeavour to identify the root of her concerns. In the meantime, here is a snippet of me working at liberty with ‘Boots’, later that week, as I start to create a safe PLACE for change:
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and please do share your thoughts, comments, and experiences below.

Till next time, enjoy the moment, with a little TLC

With best wishes

Debbie

The concept of attachment
“In the 1950s, studies of human relationships resulted in the development of attachment theory, now well accepted, to explain the bond between mother and infant and how it influences development. Research soon identified four fundamental goals in infants; proximity seeking, safe haven, secure base and separation anxiety, all of which are familiar aspects of horse behaviour.

Dr McLean noted that the father of attachment theory, John Bowlby pointed out that the basis of attachment is not food but rather clear communication and soothing tactile contact.” Extract from: ‘Can good horse training get any better?’ by Lisa Ashton

‘Perception’:
“The ability to see, hear, or become aware of something through the senses.”
“The way in which something is regarded, understood, or interpreted.”

As the gate latch clicks behind me, my heart sings when I see ‘Boots’ lift her head from the grass and look over. A smile spreads through me as she turns to walk, and then trot, over to greet me. It’s taken a while but for me, I feel things are starting to change. Slowing respectfully, she draws near, reaching out her long neck to say hello & inhale my scent.

“Hello beautiful,” my whole being says, as we take a moment to check in with each other. Warm breath on my hand, ears pricked and curious, I step to her shoulder and reach out to stroke her. “Let’s go and check out the fresh grass by the brook”. I head off with purpose and she raises her head, still, yet enquiring. After a moment she starts to follow and I pause to let her catch up. Together we walk towards the bottom gate as her mum joins in with our stride…

“The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend.” Henri Bergson

I remember back to the first time I saw her. Alone in her stable she was snatching mouthfuls of hay and looking out, eyes wide, head high. A beautiful tri-colour tobiano, she reminded me of my last horse Mr M, yet something was not right. She appeared detached, agitated, and unsure. Her owner was telling me about her past…

It was a complex story; 8 different places she’d lived, in as many years. She’d experienced a whole range of different trainers, riders, and handlers, as well as the lady who owned and bred her who’d called me to help. She’d had two significant injuries by the age of 6 months: one at only 5 weeks old, the other, when weaned from her mum. She was known to rear occasionally when being led, I later found out, flipping over at least 3 times on separate occasions when being asked to load into a trailer. Plus she didn’t like to be clipped, requiring sedation to do so.

Yet interestingly, I’d been asked to come and help with her ‘loading problem,’ as otherwise ‘all was fine’. She just had a tendency to sometimes be a bit ‘stubborn’, ‘cheeky’ and occasionally, a bit of a ‘grumpy mare’.

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Wayne Dyer

I have long been fascinated by how we all see and perceive things so differently. Yet it is only more recently that I have started to really understand the extent to which we all filter what we see, hear, and even feel. Filling in the gaps to see what we are looking for, according to our internal beliefs. This in turn shapes our behaviour and actions, creating more of what we believe.

When I became a mum, I took the opportunity to question what I do, to step back and explore the advances in horse training and related science. The idea of the Alpha mare and dominance theory now put into question, I wanted to find out more. Through the ‘Meeting of Minds’ program and my own continued research, I now believe that there are endless ways of doing, and seeing things. Yet I understand that for so many, this is not the case.

During this time, I also came across attachment theories and began to understand that it is not about what training method, tool, or technique we use. It is all about the ‘Art and Science of Relationships’ and the importance of feelings of safety, stability, and security, in order to learn and grow. How we can build mutually beneficial partnerships, to become the leader our horses want to follow.

To achieve this, I do my best to keep an open, positive and non-judgemental mind. To stop, ground myself and breathe, helping me to become fully aware and present in the moment. To listen to, and connect with, all my senses, and to become more aware of the conclusions and judgements I make.

For I believe that ALL behaviour IS communication, and emotions drive behaviour. This leads me to become curious, to wonder, what is a horse trying to tell me? How are they feeling and why, and perhaps more importantly, what can I do to help support, or change this?

Next time I will be sharing my first few sessions with ‘Boots’. The shock and surprise I had when I saw what she really had to say, and the first steps I took, to start building a bond and trust based relationship…

In the meantime, I wonder what YOU see, hear, or feel, when you watch this short clip of ‘Boots’, her mum and I, down by the brook together…? My non-horsey husband says he see’s two horses eating, with some birds singing in the background!! Of course he is right, as this is his perception, but I’m really curious to find out if you see, hear, or feel anything different…

So sit back, make sure your volume is turned up, and click the link here…
Please leave your comments below, and thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

Till next time, enjoy the moment, with a little TLC

With best wishes

Debbie

What do the words ‘good horsemanship’ mean to you?
For me it is about our horse/human relationships; understanding our horses and ourselves, mentally, physically and emotionally – A holistic approach to managing, caring for and building trust based relationships with our equine friends.

Over the last 3 yrs I’ve been working with a wide variety of trainers, coaches, behaviourists, and equine therapists, all exploring different; methods, techniques, approaches, and belief’s, and all working to identify the foundations of good horsemanship.

What we found is: ‘Horsemanship’ is not about any specific ‘training’, ‘tool’, ‘method’ or ‘technique’ … It’s all about relationships…

Our ability to connect, understand and empathise, with our horses and ourselves.

Debbie and Caddy connecting with some mutual grooming

In fact I believe it is more about a way of ‘being’ not ‘doing’, ‘who we are’ and ‘how we show up’…

As demonstrated beautifully by my non-horsey husband!!!

– The Science Bit –

1. All cells are in a state of either protection, or, growth and development
2. The brain and neurological system is a social organ, responding to, and learning from others.
3. We all have ‘Mirror neurons’ in the gut and brain, which replicate what is going on around us. – Gut Instincts
4. Emotional nurture is a physiological need.

Building Trust and activating the nervous system with 4yo Feather

The recent advances in science and neuroscience have shown that we cannot grow and develop normally as children. Or learn, develop resilience, and be happy and healthy as adults, without feelings of safety, stability and security.

As such, secure attachment relationships, build brains. Helping our nervous systems find the vital balance between arousal vs. calming – Fight, flight, freeze vs. Rest and Digest.

In fact without comfort and emotional nurture we cannot survive…
As ‘Bolby’ the father of Attachment theories describes: “Seeking a close, trusting relationship, of care, comfort and love, is a natural instinctive behaviour.”

So what does this mean for our horse-human relationships? This brings us to…

– The Art Bit –

1. It’s all about the art of love and relationships.
2. Building trust through Understanding and Communication.
3. Engaging the seeking, play and care emotional systems, as described by Panksepp (1998)
4. Using Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy (PACE – Daniel Hughes, clinical psychologist.) to build strong bonds and encourage learning and development, in our horses & ourselves.

Building bonds through Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy

And so, in 2013 we developed the ‘Understanding Equus’ attachment aware relationship model, ‘TLC’. A simple reminder of the 3 keys to building successful relationships…

TLC = Trust, Listen and Connect.

T = Trust: The foundation of all good relationships. Trust requires empathy – the ability to ‘walk in your horse’s shoes’ – When we feel understood, we feel calmer, more ready to take risks. A calm and alert state means we are ready to learn.

L = Listen: Remember, Emotions drive behaviour and behaviour IS communication. Therefore emotional intelligence is vital for establishing and maintaining positive relationships. The starting point of all good communication is the importance of mindfulness, being truly in the moment, and able to tune in to ourselves and others. This enables us to model the behaviour we wish to see in others.

C = Connect: With love, empathy, creativity and play. Heart-rhythm synchronization occurs between people when they are feeling love and care for each other. Establishing a heart-felt connection and 2 way communication is vital to achieve the appropriate level of growth and development. Engaging the seeking, play and care systems to encourage and stimulate learning.

Respond and engage; assessing needs and activating the nervous system, through touch, or physical engagement.

Relax, balance and regulate; To sense, listen, and feel in the moment, without the distraction of the past, or the future.

Challenge and Stimulation; is vital for learning and neuroplasticity means we ALL have the ability to change and learn new things.

This model underpins the ‘Understanding Equus’ Horsemanship Coaching and ‘Equine Assisted Learning’ programs for horse owners, adults and young people:

– Horsemanship Coaching –

It is my belief that there is no ‘one’ or ‘best’ way to training and being with horses, and different methods and approaches, suit different people and different horses.
Each horse and human is unique, a product of their own genetics and life experiences. Therefore each will resonate with and respond to different training methods and approaches.
My work as a horsemanship coach reflects this, as I help people to: Build better relationships and find what methods, training and support they need, to realize their dreams.

– EAL –

Together with emotion coaching, the ‘TLC’ model forms the basis of the Equine Assisted Learning and Development Courses and programs we run.
Partnering with the horses, we offer Coaching and Facilitation for adults and young people.
1. For personal or professional development, life and social skills.
2. Developing leadership, teamwork and communication skills.
3. Building trust, confidence, emotional intelligence, self belief and resilience

Including the ‘Building Connections’ EAL program for young people in care. This is a 6-10 Week program, interacting with horses, helping children to develop life and social skills, emotional resilience, confidence and trust, in themselves & others.

Summary

So, next time you go to your horse, remember:
“Be the change you want to see in your horse”

Stop, ground yourself, and breath…

Then just think, we all need a little: TLC –
Trust, Listen and Connect, to build happy and healthy relationships

Photo’s taken at The Natural Equine Fair 2015.

Thank you to Lindy Wale and all the students at Kingston Maurward College for organizing, to Lorrie Bee & Hazel-Ann Wilson for the beautiful photo’s, to Caddy, Feather and Charlotte for braving the audience and to all who attended for your input and questions. Thank you also to my long-suffering husband! We hope you enjoyed the day and left with plenty of food for thought.